


In Memorium

by sunflower1343



Category: Finder no Hyouteki | Finder Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-03
Updated: 2014-08-03
Packaged: 2018-02-11 12:48:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2068842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunflower1343/pseuds/sunflower1343
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Asami, a year or two into the future, looks into his past. It's slightly sad, slightly hopeful, probably not quite what you're thinking from the title.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Memorium

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in 2006 and hadn't remembered it until someone brought it to mind today. After re-reading I thought I'd post it over here. Since it's basically me playing with an idea and is set in the future, it doesn't read as dated to me.

A dry leaf scritched along the pavement, pushed by the stiff cold breeze as heavy steps brought him to his destination. It aggravated his headache, brought on by his annual date with a bottle of scotch the night before. As he knelt on the cold stone his coat hung open, scarf forgotten, and the wind began to bite. He left it. It was the least he owed for what had brought them all here.

He splashed icy water across the stones and carefully cleaned the names carved there. As usual, the smaller one took far longer. His touch there was gentle. It was the only place he allowed it. 

The wind quickly dried the stones. He examined them thoroughly. They were beginning to show some signs of aging. He would have a restorer take care of it. He'd call tomorrow. No, today. Today so he could put it behind himself for another year.

He bent again to his task. The two bundles at his feet were unwrapped. Tulips in the first. Not easy to come by this time of year, but for a man of wealth it wasn't a problem. Yet another reason to keep his money flowing, because he owed it here. He owed everything here.

There were carved vases on either side of the monument with day-old stems in them, and he removed these and carefully arranged the new flowers. They wouldn't last long in the weather, but he had someone replace them with fresh ones daily. No drab grey here. Color went with the memories he had. 

Flashes of a white sweater went through his mind. He couldn't remember the face that went above it anymore. It used to bother him, but now he knew the pain that caused was just more of his penance, because he could remember all too clearly the sweater stained in blood and the tatami mats soaked through that night he'd come home too late.

He took the pain in, accepting that he deserved it. Love had no place in his world. Now he knew that. He had paid too much for the lesson, and would never forget it.

His jaw clenched as he turned to the tougher task. He picked up the small stuffed puppy by his knee and gently placed it by the smaller monument among the other animals there. His hand rested atop it for a little while as he tried to communicate with the dead, as his mind sought for any contact. There never was any, but it never stopped him from trying. There was so much he had wanted to tell him. His hand fell away. How useless he had been.

He bowed before each monument, his forehead resting upon the backs of his hands. He pushed his palms into the concrete, letting it scrape them, letting himself leave a little blood behind.

"I'm sorry," he said to each in turn, meaning it. Meaning much more, really, but unable to put it into words. He hoped his life expressed his apology enough.

His back stiffened slightly as he froze in place. He wasn't alone. And he knew who it was who disturbed him on this day, in this place. Only one person would dare.

He sat up and looked along the path to his left. A slight figure stood at the end, close enough for him to see signs of running, the look of concern in those eyes. He closed his own eyes, shutting out the sight. 364 days a year, it was easy to shut him out. This day though left him vulnerable. He hardened his heart. What better way to show them what he learned. He would show them that he remembered.

He opened his eyes and beckoned, and waited.

"Asami? Are you alright? You don't seem yourself."

"Is that why you followed me? Out of concern?"

Akihito had the decency to blush. "Not at first, no. And I was going to leave when I saw where you'd come, but then..."

"But you felt the need to pry into my business again, in this kind of place, on this kind of day."

Akihito flushed with anger now. "Well excuse me for caring! I thought you might need – But you don't need anyone, do you? Especially not a kid like me."

He let the cold of the stone seep into him, freezing his heart against the emotion that struggled to get free. It wasn't as easy as usual. "I don't need anyone. I don't want that in my life. It causes nothing but trouble. If your life isn't evidence enough, there's more before you."

Akihito examined the stones curiously, apparently forgetting any anger he felt. "Asami Mai. Your mother?"

"My wife." The words felt strange in his mouth. He'd not said them for fourteen years.

Akihito's eyes went wide with shock. "You were married?" Then grief filled them as he looked at the other stone and understood. "Then Asami Haruki was...?" His voice died away.

"My son." He was proud of himself for managing to keep his voice strong at that last, and his eyes steady on Akihito's face. He knew what was coming, the demand for explanations, the baring of his guilt, and prepared himself for the pain that would follow. It was, after all, part of his punishment.

"You must have loved them both very much."

The words he'd planned to say died on his lips as he stared at the young man staring at the graves of his family with a look of honest sorrow. No one else had ever considered his emotions, much less understood them. Their focus was always what had happened, and why, and the revenge. It was the nature of the company he kept, he supposed. 

Akihito's statement showed his nature as well. For a moment he wanted to reach out and grasp that for himself, and keep it close. He pulled himself together and pushed the thought away. "I did love them. It was what killed them."

Akihito glanced at him, surprise in his eyes. "Eh? Love doesn't kill anyone Asami. You should know better than that. Jealousy, despair, greed, those kill. Not love."

"No, Akihito, you're wrong. Love didn't make someone pull the trigger, but it was the reason the bullets reached their targets. It clouded my mind, made me pay less attention than I should have to some warning signs. My wife and son paid the price with their lives." 

"What happened?"

There was the question. He took a deep breath. This wasn't easy. But the pain reminded him why it was necessary. "I was young, married for a little over a year with a new son, eager to rise through the ranks. I felt so lucky, like nothing could stop me. It made me careless, reckless even in my dealings, and that drew the attention of some people and angered them. They thought I needed to be taught a lesson."

He stared at Mai's stone. Hard and grey. So unlike her. 

"And?" Akihito prodded gently.

"And I came home one night from a meeting that had gone poorly. Mai usually met me at the door. But that night it was silent, and I found her in the living room, on the floor. Dead." 

_It was red. Her white sweater was all red._ He shook his head, and focused on the story. 

"I ran, I think, to Haruki's room. I don't remember getting there. I just remember his small body lying against the wall where they'd thrown him." 

_He was cold, so I wrapped him in his favorite blanket. He hated the cold. And the earth is so cold this time of year._

That was an unchanging thing, something he never forgot, the heavy weight of his dead son in his arms. 

He pressed his fingers against the bridge of his nose, squeezing hard, letting the discomfort pull him from the nightmare. "Love made me incapable of protecting what I loved. It is useless. Worse than useless. It is debilitating. It makes you lose all reason, so that you in turn lose what you love. There is no point to it, and every point to avoiding it." His hands dropped to his knees and clenched on the wool there.

Akihito knelt beside him. "Would you turn from Mai and Haruki if they stood in front of you now?"

He saw their ghosts before him smiling, but the smiles disappeared as blood poured from wounds, and their eyes hurled accusations at him. "I would provide everything for them. But yes, I would send them away."

"You'd provide everything but love. Even though it would break their hearts?"

"At least they would be alive."

Akihito gazed at him with sad eyes. "Mai sounds like she loved life. Her tulips are bright, happy flowers."

Asami remembered her lips, always turned up in laughter. Sometimes he was the butt of her jokes, his ego being a very large and easy target. But she always managed to poke fun gently enough that he had seen the love behind it. "She laughed a lot. She had to, to put up with me."

Akihito's voice was gentle. "Then I think, Asami, that they would prefer their short life of happiness with you to the one you're describing. And I think they'd be sad if they could hear you now. If they loved you, they'd want you to be happy yourself."

Asami didn't want to hear this, this acceptance of what had happened. His voice was practically a snarl. "Don't spew platitudes at me. What the hell do you know about any of it? You, a puppy..." His words caught in his throat as he caught sight of the small stuffed animal sitting on his son's grave. His nails bit into his palms. 

Akihito laid a hand on his forearm. He could feel the warmth through the layers of his clothing. "I know that you're blaming yourself for being human. Asami, these past couple of years, with you, and Feilong, they've taught me a thing or two. One of the most important is that sometimes it's just not your fault. Sometimes there's nothing you can do about it. And when that happens, you've got to stop blaming yourself or you'll go crazy trying to figure out how not to let it happen again. All you can do is go on, and try to be happy."

Akihito shifted closer to him. "You've been living that way since they died. Has it kept people near you from harm? What about Feilong eight years ago, and what happened with me last year?"

Feilong. Oh yes, he'd understood Feilong's pain. Asami laughed bitterly. "You still don't get it. I slipped up. I started caring. If I hadn't–"

Akihito cut him off. "If you hadn't it wouldn't have mattered what happened to us. That's the only difference. _You_ don't get it. _We_ weren't hurt because you cared. _You_ were hurt because you cared. And that's just part of life. Gods, I never thought I'd have to say this to you of all people, but Asami, living life means taking risks, especially risking being hurt. But when it pays off it's all worth it."

Asami swallowed the emotions that responded to those words. He knew he cared for Akihito. He knew because of the way Akihito's words often wounded him. But he could only protect Akihito by pushing it down, and pushing him away. It was too much to hope that Akihito would continue to care for him in the face of it, but maybe at least someday the boy would understand. He glanced at Mai's grave, then looked away, knowing she would disapprove.

He rose to his feet, his knees aching. The pain centered him, allowing him to put the calm façade in place.

Akihito stood, his face wary. "You're not going to listen, are you?"

"I can't." _I can't love you._

Akihito's eyes dropped for a moment, but not soon enough that he didn't see the disappointment in them. Better that than seeing the light in those eyes doused forever. He would never allow the figures in his nightmares to include one with shaggy brown hair.

He turned to go, but Akihito's voice stopped him.

"You know, you may be a stubborn bastard about this, but I'm just as stubborn as you are. And now that I understand this much, I also understand that I've got two allies on my side. We're not going to give up, Asami. They wouldn't want me to. I don't want to. See, I think that love makes you stronger, and you can protect the ones you care about better. And that's what I plan to do whether you like it or not."

Asami closed his eyes briefly, the chill wind stinging them to tears. He blinked them away, then began the long familiar walk back to his car. Akihito fell in beside him, silent. For once his feet, though he didn't notice, trod the path more lightly.

The tulips nodded in the breeze.

 

 

~end~


End file.
